So far though, no magic. I’m not wise. I still have about 6 weeks until the big day, but I’m seriously doubting this happens.
You know what I am? I’m tired. I’m pretty sure I’ve been tired since graduate school, but now, I’m not willing to drink massive amounts of Mountain Dew to compensate. I like my Pumpkin Spice lattes, like any good basic white girl. But those leave me still too tired to care about certain things anymore. I do not have the righteous indignation (or metabolism) of my youth.
I hope that I will go to my grave willing to get appropriately fired up on behalf of the outcasts and misfits. But I cannot care about some of the dumb shit I used to care a LOT about.
For example, here are the things I’m totally over:
- Pride – My body is doing some odd things related to hormones. I can’t even pretend anymore. I’ve called more than one friend who is 40+ with questions that begin, “You could have mentioned ______ was about to happen to me. What am I going to do?!?!” I need help, and I’m not afraid anymore to ask for it.
- The Perfect Liquid Line – I spent hours, months, years of my life dedicated to liquid eyeliner. I was on some sort of holy grail-type quest for the perfect liquid line. And I won’t lie, when it happened, my makeup was FABULOUS! Gay men would compliment me. These days, when I get eyeliner on my face, I use a crayon with a little smudging and call it good.
- Balanced Meals – I have counted calories, grams of fat, sugar, salt, carbs and protein. I have weighed meat. I have used monitors to clock my steps per day and sleep at night. I have obsessed to the point of psychosis over what went on every plate in this house. I’m not resigned to fast food dinners every night or anything, but I’m putting some reasonably healthy food on the table and calling it done.
- Coolness – It’s possible I was just fooling myself, but for a small window of time, I believe I was kinda cool. I knew who the celebrities were. I kept on pop culture. Now… I didn’t realize until after it had already been released that some guy name RYAN Adams recorded a version of Taylor Swift’s albumin 1989. I totally thought all the hype was about BRYAN Adams, which was really odd to me. But hey, what do I know about the kids and their music? Does this have something to do with what’s on fleek? I really can’t say.
So here’s my working theory: 40 doesn’t make you wise. Exhaustion just cuts out certain things. What gets cut is different for different people. And there’s no real right or wrong to it. Most of this stuff, I didn’t really decide to ax. It just sorta happened.
This is all just a code… people are calling it “wisdom” because that sounds way more positive than, “Oh hey. You’re never going to catch on your sleep. Let go of that dream.”