I want to be supportive, y’all. I really do. I want you to achieve your New Year’s goals. But you’re starting to bug me. You’ve basically ruined my lunch plans for the rest of the week. Let me back up a step and explain myself.
I go to the grocery store every week. Fine, every other week. Longer if I can avoid it. But while I’m there (twice a month), I buy a lot of produce. Charlie has convinced me of the virtue of organic food. Kroger has legitimately made this easier for me to get organic and hormone-free food. So thanks for that.
Last night, after picking up the kid from school, sitting through a new, longer swim practice and running by the drug store, we hit the grocery store. It was 5pm. It was Tuesday, which is Senior Day. This was all a huge mistake in planning. I knew it. But there was no way around it. There was quite literally no food to make lunches today. We HAD to go.
There were lots of old people who take up THE ENTIRE AISLE. Seriously folks, be the Greatest Generation in one lane or another. The middle is not a valid option!
There were also lots of people grabbing two things on the way home from work with tired, hungry kids in tow. They were trying to zip through the small holes between the old people and me. This requires lots of commands barked at children who are not interested in hearing them.
I had a tired, hungry kid too. I sympathize. Mine was riding like Superman on the bottom of the cart. Yes, that’s totally absurd. Yes, he’s really too big for that. But you know what? I had to do a big shop with a tired, hungry kid, and that kept him from running around like a maniac. Leave me alone.
Between the aisle hoggers and the lane zippers, it was loud and crowded, and I was really just over the whole thing. Then I hit the produce section.
Green beans. In the whole organic produce section, the resolutioners left me green beans. No salad. No broccoli. No cauliflower. NOTHING, but green beans. That’s a tasty lunch. I was able to forage some decent organic apples, so I got that going for me. Which is nice.
Now look, if more people want to eat healthy for longer than two weeks, I’m all for it. Good for you. From a public health standpoint, I’m thrilled. And the grocery store can plan accordingly.
But they don’t want to eat healthy at all. That’s why they made the resolution in the first place. They’re trying to talk themselves into wanting to eat healthy. And they don’t like it. You know why? Because salad tastes like salad. Depending on the variety, some of it tastes like what I imagine my front yard would. But I’ve made my peace with this. I eat it. Because that’s what I do.
I contend a big part of the problem are all the articles in my social media feed constantly about how you can eat healthy and still enjoy great flavor. This is an empirically true statement. But the implication is that you can eat healthy and it’s going to taste like a Big Mac. It’s not.
You’re not going to make 3-ingredient pancakes with peanut butter, bananas and eggs, and pass that off like it’s Waffle House. It’s peanut butter, bananas and eggs. It’s perfectly fine for what it is. It might even be good. The recipe that includes peanut flour and almond milk as “syrup” may melt your butter, if allowed yourself to eat butter anymore. But it’s not a stack of flapjacks and Vermont Maple syrup, so stop saying things like, “HAWT DIZAM!”
Actually just stop saying things like that in general because it sounds stupid. But really stop saying it about faux pancakes.
Eat the pancakes or don’t. Eat the organic produce or don’t. I really don’t care either way. But leave me something besides green beans and marginal apples for lunch. That’s just mean.