When I was a kid, I loved Miracle Whip. I ate in on every sandwich. Thought the stuff was magic. My sister…she did not hold the same opinion of the stuff. Just the smell of it would make her dry heave. I admit it. I used this gag reflex to my advantage more than once. I never said I was a good person.
At some point in chore assignment, my sister got tasked with making school lunches every morning. I had to feed the dog or something. I don’t really remember what my morning chores were. I do remember more than once, walking into the kitchen and seeing my sister about to wretch over the Miracle Whip smell or with a clothes pin on her nose to muscle her way through making my sandwich. I enjoyed that a little too much.
The Universe demands balance. So 30 years later, I’m standing in my kitchen staring at cans of dog food. And not just any kind of dog food either. Special-buy-at-the-vet-medical-costs-more-than-my-own-food-canned-dog-food. Because nothing with any beast I own could possibly be simple.
My dog is sick. He has a stomach bug. I’ve literally been cleaning up his shit for the past two days. I took him to the vet. She says he has a bug. Something to do with the cooler temps and rain. I didn’t really understand.
Here’s what I did comprehend: He needs to eat high fiber, special canned food for the next two days. He needs to eat small amounts frequently, rather than a large amount once a day. I also need to shove two pills a day down his throat.
The vet mentioned something about putting the pills in the “meatballs” to make them easier to take. I was confused, “Meatballs?” Oh yes, she explained that the canned food needs to be packed into small meatballs to feed to the dog.
Have I ever told you that canned dog food make me want to vomit? As in… just the smell of it gives me dry heaves.
So. This is what Karma feels like. It’s fine. I’ll deal with it. But here’s what I want to know, Universe: WHEN DOES MY SISTER GET HERS FOR LOCKING ME IN THE CLOTHES HAMPER???
I’ll be meditating on that with a clothes pin on my nose.