Being a Grownup: a Cautionary Tale

It took the perfect combination of hot rollers, curling irons hairspray to get my hair to look like that.

It took the perfect combination of hot rollers, curling irons hairspray to get my hair to look like that.

Dear Teen Kerri,

They are lying to you!

Being a grown up is awful!

Don’t give up your childhood one single second sooner than you have to.

I know you’ve been told that once you’re a grown up, you can drink hooch or eat donuts for supper or stay out with no curfew. You’ll never have to dress out for P.E. again. You will have a job and buy all the designer clothes your really mean parents say are not practical. No more homework or report cards. You can go to the bathroom without a hall pass!

Technically, yes, those things are true. But it’s not what you think.

The drinking leaves you with a hangover. The donuts make you fat. And you may not have a curfew, but your babysitter does, so you still have to be home by 11 pm. Of course, you’ll be home much earlier than that because you probably have somewhere to be in the morning. Also, you can’t really stay up late these days anyway, because you’re old, fat and tired.

Gone are the days of cupcakes and mountain dew for breakfast in a size 4 pant. If you ate that now, you’d be the size of house. If you want a slim figure, you have to earn it at the gym. Metabolism is not on your side anymore.

Anyway, you can’t afford to gain any more weight because spending money on your own clothes is not in the budget. Do you have any idea what tennis shoes cost for a kid? And then he loses one? While he was wearing it?!? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Forget the laws of finance, the laws of physics don’t even apply to your life anymore.

You thought you understood physics didn’t actually have “laws,” just more of suggestions during the infant year. Four ounces of milk going into the baby can go into reverse, and two liters of some sort of fluid come back out.

All that Algebra you swore you would never need, you do. Not because of any practical application, but because kids are doing algebra in like PreK now, so you have to help with homework. You start to wonder if you’re actually getting dumber with each passing day.

Your knees, yeah…that’s just a joke that’s not even funny. Rice Krispies don’t even approach that kind of snap, crackle and pop. That weird pain, just ignore it. You don’t have time to sit in the doc office waiting room for an hour and half just to be told you should probably lay off the donuts and wine. Also going to the gym might help. You’re getting pretty old and fat.

You can go to the bathroom without a hall pass. But if you think you’re going to be left alone to pee, well…bless your heart.

Enjoy your uninterrupted sleep, your digestive system that could process plastic sugar, and worries of drill team tryouts.

Old Lady Case


2 thoughts on “Being a Grownup: a Cautionary Tale

  1. I think my teenage daughter would continue to ignore this advice even if it came from someone besides her clueless mother. Sigh…

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