There’s no point in even pretending. I’m Theoden in this graphic. Every year, Christmas seems to come earlier and bring with it more absurd friends.
It’s like a crazy cousin you don’t really like that much, but your grandmother makes you invite him to the holidays anyway. So he shows up with a slightly different, but increasing less desirable woman each year. Because what you really want is a processed, yet unrefined floozy smacking her gum at your table.
And so it is with a deep sigh of resignation that I bring you this year’s contestants for worst Christmas idea. Ever. (Obviously my Oriental Trading Company annual “Fun & Faith” catalogue arrived this week.)
It would seem the curators of this “Made in China” debacle have confused Christmas with Halloween. Because these masks are possibly the creepiest things I’ve ever seen. Kids will stay awake all night on Christmas Eve, not because they’re excited about Santa’s deliveries, but because they’re afraid of being murdered in their sleep.
Yes, let’s play a game or two. Perhaps we could even wager on these games. There’s no problem with that, is there? And see how clever they’ve made these cards, Jesus is the King.
These plush Baby Jesus ornaments do make a powerful statement. They scream, “I have incredibly bad taste!” I think my favorite part is that baby Jesus is removable. So sometimes He’s the heart of Christmas, sometimes not. If you have a cat, then you can count on plush baby Jesus being batted around the house for most of December.
A fun AND inflatable stocking stuffer. See there, you don’t have to choose between the two. You can have it all with this gift. And who doesn’t need a pool toy in the dead middle of winter?
Can you really call the leftovers from the farm-themed party “faith-based treats”? I’m all for recycling, but really? And let’s think for a minute about eating the Star of Bethlehem. That’s counterproductive. How are the Magi going to know where to go? And since they’re only ones bringing baby gifts, these fellas are important. It’s not like they were registered at Babies R Us.
Oh, you clever copy writers at OTC! You’ve done it again. I will set up this nativity just as fast as I can determine what dry, spiced cookies have to do with the Christ child. Anyone? Anyone? No? Well, let’s keep thinking on that one.
“Gnome room at the inn.” Was someone experimenting with some delightful mushrooms before writing ad copy? This is one of those puns that’s going to take some time to shake off. OTC claims this is exclusive to their company. I think in this case we can assume “exclusive” means no one else wanted a piece of this action.
Celebrate ALL the reasons for the season? I can’t even…