I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me–that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.
Some really shitty stuff is happening to people I love very much. I don’t understand. I’m a little angry. Ok, I’m a lot angry. At the Universe, at God, at the people who cannot seem to master the carpool line. Seriously, it’s just not that hard.
I’ve got enough contempt to go around. I might be mad at you. Give me a few minutes. I could work it up. I wouldn’t even have to try that hard.
Last night, I lit a candle and prayed simply, “Here. Take it. I’m done trying to figure it out.” Then I knitted for two hours, while drinking vodka.
I don’t know if that’s faith or exhaustion or doubt. It just is. But I thought I’d write it down, and sit quietly for a bit.
I know from experience none of it will ever make sense. I also know from experience that after a while, I’ll stop needing it to. I’ll put it the file marked, “Things that happened for no reason at all.”