Some thoughts on rage

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I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me–that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.
~Anne Lamott

Some really shitty stuff is happening to people I love very much. I don’t understand. I’m a little angry. Ok, I’m a lot angry. At the Universe, at God, at the people who cannot seem to master the carpool line. Seriously, it’s just not that hard.

I’ve got enough contempt to go around. I might be mad at you. Give me a few minutes. I could work it up. I wouldn’t even have to try that hard.

Last night, I lit a candle and prayed simply, “Here. Take it. I’m done trying to figure it out.” Then I knitted for two hours, while drinking vodka.

I don’t know if that’s faith or exhaustion or doubt. It just is. But I thought I’d write it down, and sit quietly for a bit.

I know from experience none of it will ever make sense. I also know from experience that after a while, I’ll stop needing it to. I’ll put it the file marked, “Things that happened for no reason at all.”

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5 thoughts on “Some thoughts on rage

  1. Stealing the Anne Lamott quote. And I am feeling the same way these days. We have to learn to let go of the anger. Even though it’s easier not to.

  2. Kerri, your post made me cry. I have been in a similar place. I can relate. The anger, the doubt, the extreme fury will pass…I do not know what will be left in its place for you. For me it was a vast sucking vacuum that still dwells within me. I hope that you fare better in the long run. I also hope that you have someone to talk to so you can unleash some of the anger in a controlled manner. Of course, knitting and vodka can serve the same purpose. I don’t really know you but I will be sending positive energy your direction. I hope that you and the people you hurt for come through the other end of the tunnel sooner rather than later. Deep Peace, Ardee-ann

  3. I LOVE that you knitted while vodka-ing. I also loved the quote you opened with. I’ve been struggling with some anger issues myself and that quote hit me right in the heart. I seriously try, as you did, to try to let it go, but I seem to want to pick it up again at some point. My mother, who has been in AA for the better part of her adult life, calls that “letting someone set up shop in your head rent free”. I think though that it’s ok to rage at God. I think that God knows everything anyway and I think that we should express our feelings and anger through prayer and rage knitting. 😀

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