This afternoon, I will take the car and truck stickers off of Jackson’s walls. He asked me to. He said they were for babies.
Then he told Charlie and me that he doesn’t want any of his “baby” toys anymore. He wants to give away his Thomas the Train set. “Only babies play with Thomas.”
We went to his playroom, and he selected all the toys he says he’s too big to play with now. He’s in first grade, yo! He told me he wanted to call Auntie M and give the Thomas trains to her because her son is still little and loves Thomas. I agreed.
He wants Star Wars sheets on his bed and stickers/posters on his walls. Legos are also acceptable. Super heroes in general are fine. But NOT cars and trucks.
He went to bed. I went to my room and cried. I mean, I freaking sobbed…like a baby. Something in me broke wide open, and a flood of tears came down.
It’s stupid, I know it. I knew in my head he would outgrow all these things. That’s supposed to happen. But I’m not ready.
It’s just those Thomas trains are why he believes in Santa. And he’s been asking too many questions about how Santa works. I’m not sure we’re gonna make it to December with him as a believer. He may be just pretending now. He’s been known to play me.
Charlie hugged me, and reminded me that this is normal and healthy and good. It really is best to just hug a woman who is bawling her eyes out over some ridiculous trains and say comforting things. But I find no comfort in the normality of it.
He’s seven. And it’s happening so fast. Am I teaching him what he’s supposed to know? If he doesn’t believe in Santa, will he still believe in magic? in miracles? How long before it’s no big deal to fall asleep on Christmas Eve? I don’t know.
They teach him math, science and spelling at school. Charlie is teaching him all the things a boy should know about how to fix things around the house. (usually the things Jackson broke) It’s my job to teach him to believe in the impossible.
That’s easier when he’s little and none of the world makes sense. But he’s learning how things work. He’s learning about logic and gravity. My stories aren’t accepted at face value any more. He’s learning to think for himself and make decisions on his own. I am so proud of him for that.
It’s just…even though I really do know that it’s stupid, I cried.