It’s stupid, but I cried

car truck decals

I put these on his wall when we moved into this house three years ago.

This afternoon, I will take the car and truck stickers off of Jackson’s walls. He asked me to. He said they were for babies.

Then he told Charlie and me that he doesn’t want any of his “baby” toys anymore. He wants to give away his Thomas the Train set. “Only babies play with Thomas.”

We went to his playroom, and he selected all the toys he says he’s too big to play with now. He’s in first grade, yo! He told me he wanted to call Auntie M and give the Thomas trains to her because her son is still little and loves Thomas. I agreed.

He wants Star Wars sheets on his bed and stickers/posters on his walls. Legos are also acceptable. Super heroes in general are fine. But NOT cars and trucks.

He went to bed. I went to my room and cried. I mean, I freaking sobbed…like a baby. Something in me broke wide open, and a flood of tears came down.

It’s stupid, I know it. I knew in my head he would outgrow all these things. That’s supposed to happen. But I’m not ready.

It’s just those Thomas trains are why he believes in Santa. And he’s been asking too many questions about how Santa works. I’m not sure we’re gonna make it to December with him as a believer. He may be just pretending now. He’s been known to play me.

Charlie hugged me, and reminded me that this is normal and healthy and good. It really is best to just hug a woman who is bawling her eyes out over some ridiculous trains and say comforting things. But I find no comfort in the normality of it.

He’s seven. And it’s happening so fast. Am I teaching him what he’s supposed to know? If he doesn’t believe in Santa, will he still believe in magic? in miracles? How long before it’s no big deal to fall asleep on Christmas Eve? I don’t know.

They teach him math, science and spelling at school. Charlie is teaching him all the things a boy should know about how to fix things around the house. (usually the things Jackson broke) It’s my job to teach him to believe in the impossible.

That’s easier when he’s little and none of the world makes sense. But he’s learning how things work. He’s learning about logic and gravity. My stories aren’t accepted at face value any more. He’s learning to think for himself and make decisions on his own. I am so proud of him for that.

It’s just…even though I really do know that it’s stupid, I cried.

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8 thoughts on “It’s stupid, but I cried

  1. In our house, Santa doesn’t come to those who don’t believe! My boys are 15 and 17 and they still believe…….. I know it’s hard to watch then grow and change, but enjoy every minute of it because soon they will be going off to college!

  2. Hey my youngest is 9 and still pops in a Thomas video and creates multi square footage train scapes. And if given the opportunity my 15 year old and 13 year old would secretly love another Day Out with Thomas excursion. They grow up that’s inevitable and highly encouraged but what I’ve always stressed is that we don’t have to hide away the things from our past that meant a lot to us even if we’ve outgrown them. Just go stick in toy story 3 on repeat. LOL.

  3. Amidst the angst, you deliver outstanding relationship advice: “It really is best to just hug a woman who is bawling her eyes out over ______________ .” Big hugs my friend. God knew what he was doing when He put you and J together.

  4. Its not stupid, sweet friend. We are struggling with the same thing with T2 and his room, having collected license plates from states across America and interspersing with ‘Cars’ movie memorabilia – its hard when they want to break free and we don’t want them to. of course, t2 wants his room Jet Black and Darth Vader breathing heavily on a repeating soundtrack. heads up, the next phase is ‘tween time’- the comfort/ignorance of minecraft/ youtube videos and silly pics…(our thomas train set is in a rubbermaid tub in the closet- which the Cars character cars are headed to join)

  5. It’s not stupid at all! Right now I am begging my little one (just a year younger than J) to get over Thomas. I’m tired of it and he’s been obsessed far too long. But I think when that day comes, I will run to my room and have a little sob myself. 😉

  6. It’s not stupid at all! Don’t get rid of all his toys, even though he loses interest or thinks they’re “for babies”. He’ll appreciate having them back when he’s older. I stick little things of my granddaughters away in my old trunk for safe keeping, just as I did things that belonged to my kids. My 11 yr old has always loved pink belts and when she wears one out mom gets her a new one, and she brings me the retired one and I date it and put it in the trunk. I have baby and little girl bathing suits and little tiny girl underpants and onsies and many other things. My mother never saved a thing from 6 girls. It hits me as kind of sad once in a while. Savor every blessed moment with the kids and family. Time goes by so fast and then they’re grown.

  7. Kerri, it is okay to cry. It is so hard when they go through these phases. My son is almost 36 and I still dream about and shed a few tears over the little boy who played Star Wars, He Man and G.I. Joe in this house. Yes, they grow up and yes, it is hard. Someone else said to savor every single moment and it is wonderful advice because before you know it they are adults and you wonder how the heck that happened.

    Please do save some of the things that Jackson things he has outgrown. He will still have times that he will want to revisit Thomas, the cars and trucks. It will happen. My son still has some of his childhood videos and they get played more often than you would think. Did I mention he is almost 36?

    As for Santa, the magic and the fantasy…they will live on. Oh, there may be a moment or two of denial but Jackson will carry them in his heart. I watched my son do that for two of his children several years ago when his wife was across the country at a Children’s hospital with their youngest child who had cancer. He suddenly found himself being “single dad” and keeping the magic of Christmas alive and bright. Yes, Kerri when you plant those seeds they blossom and grow even under the most difficult of circumstances.

    Jackson will grow up. It will break your heart and yet you will see the fruit of your labor with him come full circle as he reaches adulthood. The little boy’s eyes will sparkle at you as he hugs you with his body that is one of a man. You will have tears then too because you will realize that you have been part of the beauty and magic that helped to make him the man he has become.

    Don’t feel bad about your tears now. There will be plenty more in the future. They may be bittersweet but they are born of a love so deep that you will never find the words to fully describe it.

    Deep Peace,

    Ardee-ann

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